kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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