I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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