I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
