Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize