I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
