it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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