And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
