There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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