life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
