when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
