I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
