new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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