At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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