Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
