youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
