Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
