She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
well you can't waste a boner
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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