Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
