Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Someone came in the potted fern
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize