Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
