M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
