There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
