Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize