Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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