I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
