I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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