last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
