I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I intend to get homeless drunk
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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