Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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