guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
