I feel like I'm in dance class right now
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I would fuck him just for his dog
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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