I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
