So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We just shotgunned beers for America
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
