o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
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