Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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