if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
