____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
