You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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