I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
