I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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