I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
