There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize