i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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