forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
