This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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