You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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