saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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