just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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