Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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