Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
