I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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