I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
