Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
