she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's get the cat blown out
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
