Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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