I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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