The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
