she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
